Volunteering

At some time during my school years, probably in junior high, I developed a stammer. I think it had to do with moving from my safe elementary school to a scary older-kids' school. I don't remember when it started, just that my teachers in junior high became concerned, spoke to me about it, and then spoke to my parents. I was taken to a speech therapist who diagnosed it as a slight or temporary problem because I had periods of fluency. And, that was that. No one mentioned it again until high school when my French teacher noticed I had a problem answering questions. He asked me about it and I gave him a short explanation which resulted in him not calling on me in class anymore.

I lived with this speech problem for years and learned to manage it by not speaking in situations where I knew I would stammer. This meant that I didn't speak when I was nervous or excited. If I had to speak, I coped by beginning my sentences with words that usually didn't bother me. Otherwise, I tried my best to speak without the stammering being obvious. I should explain that what happened to me was the inability to say anything at all. I would open my mouth and the sound wouldn't come out, almost as if I were gagging on the word. This happened mainly with vowels, but sometimes with other words if I was very agitated. It bothered me so much that I hesitated about giving my daughter the middle name she has because it begins with a vowel.  Even now I sometimes have trouble saying her middle name.

I have spent my adult life until just a few years ago having to cope with a "speech problem." This resulted in my hardly ever volunteering to speak whenever I felt nervous. Over the last ten or fifteen years the problem has gradually gone away, and I very seldom think about it. When I do think about it, such as now, I wonder if it all started because I was a scared little girl.